Grace in the shadows

My name is Luz. I am a carer. I look after my husband who is being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He was diagnosed last year in April 2024

I am. In Doncaster, I've been living here in England around 21 years. My husband is British and we've been

Walking this journey together since he was diagnosed. He was presenting some symptoms, but I would say. He never really paid attention to them

I remember he used to complain about back pain and he even said to me many times, oh, can you please hit my back because I, I feel pain there and for some reason he thought or he felt like when somebody hit his back, the pain. Alleviated somehow. That's the only symptom I remember until last year when He did say to me

That he was seeing that his skin was a bit yellowish and his eyes were becoming a bit yellow too. But when he said that to me, that was uh like at the end of winter and also it was around 7 o'clock in the evening so the light wasn't really bright and I didn't notice much. I said, well, yeah, maybe, but the next day

We had some friends coming around and it was bright it was around 2 o'clock in the afternoon. And it just stuck in my mind what he said about the eyes and I just thought. While we were having a conversation, I started looking at my friend's eyes and I looked at his eyes and I did notice the big, big difference

So I said to him in front of my friends, I said, look, I think you need to definitely what you were saying last night, and I think it's true. I think your eyes are yellowish than normal. And my husband is the kind of person that is very difficult to convince to go to the doctors

So with my friends, um, they said, look, it's better to go to the accidents and emergencies. On that same day I took him to the Royal Infirmary Hospital in Doncaster. We stayed there

I stayed with him until around 4 o'clock in the morning and then after 4 o'clock they said, look, you have to go back home because he needs to stay. Then they did all the tests. Initially they thought he had maybe a stone somewhere, but when they did all the tests, the main nurse, she had um she called us, she called me and his sister happened to be here

So they called us in a room. Oh no, actually his sister wasn't here but we had a WhatsApp call because she lives abroad. And they informed us of his cancer

They said it was uh. Um Well, at least I understood it was in stage one. Um, that's what I understood at the moment and they said that he might have options for an operation, but they had to solve, uh, first of all, the jaundice because the tumour was blocking the way for the bilirubin to come out

We had to wait 2 weeks for the stent to be put on and after 2 weeks, he stayed a few days in the hospital, they put the stent and he left um uh when he was at home. I noticed he was fine a couple of days, but I noticed after probably 4 or 5 days, he didn't want to eat. He, he was really, really bad

He, he, he couldn't, he couldn't even sleep on the bed. He said that the pain was too much. He was sleeping on the floor

He wouldn't eat and he started becoming very yellow, very, very yellow. Because in the meantime, we were waiting for an appointment to see the consultant to discuss his um operation to to start tackling the cancer situation. These two weeks that we were waiting were a nightmare for him and for me because I literally thought he was going to die

He was really bad. Uh, to the point that I, I was waiting for the for the appointment with the consultant and I kept saying to myself. If they send him back home I'm not going to

I'm not gonna take him back. I'm gonna do whatever it takes to, to make sure that he stays in the hospital because I thought if they send him back he's gonna die. Uh, he, he, I could see he was no way

And me obviously, English is my second language, so I was preparing myself to, I was even preparing my speech of how to say to the doctor, please keep him here because he needs to be. He attended his situation is really bad. I was fully prepared to, to convince the doctor to, to leave him in the hospital so they could keep an eye on him

So I was very nervous um when we went to the hospital. I didn't have to say anything. The doctor saw him and I could see in his face

The shock. He said, Look, I cannot discuss anything about the operation. You are severely jaundiced, he said

That was the word he used. You're severely jaundiced. You need to stay

It was such a relief for me when I heard those words because I thought, oh, he's gonna have professionals around him because I am not a nurse. I just wanted to be him. To be looked after by professionals

And he stayed there. And then they said, look, the problem is you, your extent somehow has disintegrated or maybe has come out. Um, but it's not there

That's why you start becoming yellowish again. All the, all I remember is in that process, his bilirubin was almost in, I think it was 350 or it was very close to 400. I don't know how they measure the, the levels of bilirubin, but I do remember the doctor said the maximum was 400 something and he was about to reach that point

He was really bad and that was in the Northern General Hospital. In Sheffield. They were absolutely wonderful because we live in Doncaster and they allowed me to stay there initially I was just sleeping in a little mud next to my husband's bed

But obviously wasn't very comfortable so they allowed me to stay in a little private room where they had a sofa bed. So I didn't have to travel every day from Doncaster to Sheffield. It was more convenient for me to to stay there

I was all the time there. The nurses were absolutely wonderful. Every time they came to offer my husband food, they offered me a cup of coffee or tea because obviously they saw me there every day

I tell you it's been in that sense, it was a very good experience. The kindness I saw in. In those nurses, in the doctors, they were absolutely wonderful

Going back to my husband's um journey. After many meetings with the doctor's team, they said that unfortunately he couldn't take another stent because the liver was upset and he had an infection and he was too weak to go through that procedure. My husband obviously was very upset

He, he wasn't happy with the situation. He, we were in shock because all these things literally happened in within 4 weeks. So he was sent to a hospice

He was sent to a hospice and St. John's Hospice. They treated him very well and they said, well, just stop the medicine because there's no point keeping the medicine

Just let him. Basically stay in peace until the time comes. So we went to the hospice and He, I'm not sure he

He came to terms with the possibility, the close possibility of. Passing away, but I remember the doctor, he asked the doctor when we entered the hospice, he said. Do you think I will come out of here and she said well

She said it's very unlikely. But we want to make sure that you, you're not in pain, that you have quality of life and time while you are here. Anyway, he was there 2 weeks

He was enjoying the jacuzzis, the reflexology. He wasn't eating much, but um I was always there. His sister from abroad was there as well

We kept praying, we kept doing the communion together. My, during those times, because I don't have any apart from my husband's family, I don't have any family myself here. Because I, I, I come from abroad

In those days for me, the support I had from my church was tremendous. They kept praying with us coming every day to visit him. When I went back home, they had taken turns so when his sisters and I came back home, somebody had prepared a meal for us and the help was very valuable because when you are under so much stress, you, you don't have time to do much, neither you have the strength

So going back home and knowing that at least we had a meal prepared with love. That wasn't very helpful. After 2 weeks, my husband being there, the doctor said, look, it seems like you

You're strong. I don't think you're going to die and when people are sent here it's because we think they're going to die. Would you mind me doing some tests and see if you maybe you are strong to take the second stand and if you are strong and if all the results are OK, then you can continue your journey just um

To sort out the cancer situation. They did the tests and they said that as a miracle um the infection he had. Had kind of um disappeared because he stopped taking the medicine

The, the medicine was upsetting the liver. Maybe the medicine was too strong. But because they said stop the medicine and just leave him in peace, the liver started restoring itself somehow

I'm not, I'm not a doctor. I don't know how to explain this situation, but His liver was much better than before. So then they took him out of the hospice and he was sent back to Sheffield for a second stent

He went to the stand and he was um very happy when he came out. He said that, he said, I remember he was very impressed and he said, wow, they had the latest technology um that's in Sheffield, and he said, oh wow, they, it was amazing. I wanted to stay there

He was talking about the room where they did the procedure. He said everything looked brand new, everything was fantastic. He was really happy

I remember they even said to me, oh, he might be a little bit busy after the procedure. Uh, as sleepy, but no, he was fine. He was excited

He was, he was really happy with the experience, really, really happy. And um he said, oh, I could have stayed there forever. I was so happy there

And that was in probably end of July, beginning of August. When they did the 2nd extent. He started the whole journey when I took him the first time to the hospital when he was with his eyes yellow, that was April

And when he went to the hospice it was July. And when he went back for the 2nd, um, stent that was around the beginning of August or end of July. So by that time he had been in the process of on

4 months. Then he stayed a few more days. They were they were keeping an eye on him in Sheffield

And they say, well, I think he's fit to go back home and then after that we're gonna wait to see if we can start a treatment. So yeah, er around he was doing tests and scans. We were taking him to Mexico Hospital, different hospitals here here around here um in Doncaster or Sheffield

And they said that the type of cancer he had um. Was not curable But he had an option to take palliative care. And I don't remember what kind of chemo he had, uh, but they did say that he had the pancreas, the pancreatic cancer, which is most common

So they decided that he was gonna take some kind of chemotherapy, palliative chemotherapy. He started his chemotherapy at the beginning of September, or, or somewhere in September. And he did all the cycles and he finished, that was in 2024 last year

And They finished all these cycles in May this year 2025. In May, the doctor said look um. You gonna have a break? And he really wanted to go to Thailand

So we prayed about it. I was really concerned because obviously, once you are abroad, you don't have any uh unless you have an insurance, but my husband with all the conditions he had because he had heart problems, um he had diabetes due to the pancreatic cancer. He He was very difficult for me to insurance him, but we did pray and in my church, everybody was praying

So we did manage to go to Thailand. We stayed there for 6 weeks. It was absolutely wonderful for him

Not much for me because obviously I was looking after him and that's a lot of stress, but it made me happy to know that he was happy. When we were there, he got excited with the fruits and ice creams because it's really hot there. So he started eating food that was very sweet and then we noticed something in his food

It was like um with um with like an infection in his foot. So we went to a pharmacy there and the lady said, look, you need to be very careful. Your sugar levels are very high and if you, if this continues, they might need to amputate your foot

So that was really scary. Uh, so he started being more conscious about the food he was eating. They give us some kind of um creams, so I was cleaning his food and yeah making sure he had the creams and everything

So it was sorted and nothing happened, thank God. And then we came back. Since we came back, he's been OK

The stent has worked, but he's been in pain. He's taking codeine, and the last time we had an appointment with the GP, which was 2 weeks ago. Now we are in August

They said that they were going to increase the dose and if that that doesn't work, they might need to prescribe morphine patches. Basically, the main issue now is the pain. He walks every time he walks, he bends because it's a lot of pain in his back

And then we're hoping that the new dose helps him to have a better quality of life. His appetite is very low. He has lost weight

And um. Next week, no, actually this Friday we have an appointment with his consultant to see what is coming. Now whether they want to do more chemo or

What is the latest result of the scan that he had after we came back from Thailand? In general, I would say it's a really difficult experience. It's been ups and downs uh since they say, oh, he only has maybe a couple of weeks when he was sent to St. John's Hospice

Then we gave, they gave us hope and thank God as a miracle he has lasted longer. But in spite of all this hardship, um I would say I've seen beauty in the middle of the pain and the Difficult situation. I've seen kindness from people from my church, in the hospitals

We've had um an immense support from different charities, Firefly, who has been taking my husband to his chemo sessions to the appointments with the consultants. The kindness I've seen from my bosses in. Um, the company I work, they said, look, you can go with your husband

It doesn't matter. I kept saying, look, I need to, my husband is in this situation and they said, take the time you need. Don't worry about it

They allow me to change my, my shifts. I know them. The charity that helped me a lot was the Macmillan, Macmillan nurses

They gave me a telephone number I could call. I register with them. And um When I was going through

Very difficult moments. I rang them I think a couple of times. And I could express myself

Freely and most importantly, confidentially. They did listen to me. It was good to know that they had options for me to speak in Spanish too, which is my first language

I didn't use it, but it was good to know that if I had to use it, I could have that option. They gave me a lot of support um for which I'm very grateful. My neighbours, people say to me, look, I don't go to church but I do pray for you

We have always Had a hand and for someone like me as I said at the beginning that doesn't have relatives here. It's very touching and. Very helpful at the same time

I think God has given me the strength to cope with this. I have a great faith. And also Um I'm someone who loves arts and I love working with the community

So creativity has helped me to express myself, to transform my My sorrows in. In different artistic expressions, songs, poetry. Um, stories

When I'm very sad I start playing the guitar or write a song? I write books. I do. Projects with the community I live in and that gives me

Hope is like my therapy. My way to say thank you to all the wonderful people who have been amazing. And to contribute something to society too

And we all need a hand. We all need help. We all need hope

And we're going to continue this journey until we always say it's only over when God says so. I've been Christian all my life and my faith, my friends who have been there all the time. Listening to me, to my tears, to my er good moments, bad moments, complaining moments because sometimes as scared as we do get tired, but they have always been there

So um I'm ever so grateful. I'm very grateful. And I thank you so much to all the charities

We also had people from Saint John's Hospice. They came to our house. They gave William reflexology

They offered me reflexology too. I had a couple of sessions, but I prefer my husband to have them. Um I'm very grateful

I'm very grateful because the country where I come from, I don't think I would have had at least not the charities um that we have here in the UK. I would have had probably my family and friends, but the charities in here have been a tremendous, tremendous support for us. So we just keep praying and hopefully we can

Continue this journey and my husband can live much longer. Thank you.